Parenting, though rewarding, may still be one of the most difficult and time-consuming aspects of a person’s life. In addition to tending to an infant or child’s daily needs, parents are also generally responsible for helping each of their children develop life skills, social skills, and appropriate behaviors, while accounting for the unique personality of each child. Parents who become overwhelmed may find the support of a mental health professional to be helpful, particularly when faced with a difficult situation or behavioral concern.
What Is Good Parenting?
Parenting is the bringing up of a child. It is like the nourishment that is necessary for a sapling to grow into a big and fruitful tree. Hence, for a child to grow into a wonderful human being, good parenting is essential.
From the moment a pregnancy is announced, most parents will receive multiple suggestions and pieces of advice on how to raise their child. New parents may often be overwhelmed by this advice and unsure of what is best for their child, so they may turn to a pediatrician, therapist, or other expert counselor for advice. Experts in the field of child psychology and development generally agree there is no one method of parenting that is ‘best’ and parents may wish to try different styles of parenting to see what works for their family.
According to the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, parents are generally responsible for:
• Keeping children safe.
• Listening to children and spending time with them.
• Providing affection, order, and consistency.
• Setting and enforcing limits for children.
• Monitoring friendships children make.
• Seeking help for any medical or behavioral concerns.
The Four Parenting Styles:
1. Authoritarian Parenting
In this style of parenting, children are expected to follow the strict rules established by the parents. Failure to follow such rules usually results in punishment. Authoritarian parents fail to explain the reasoning behind these rules. If asked to explain, the parent might simply reply, "Because I said so." Children are not usually given the reasons for the rules and there is little room for any negotiation. Authoritarian parents may use punishments instead of consequences.These parents have high demands but are not responsive to their children. According to Baumrind, these parents "are obedience- and status-oriented, and expect their orders to be obeyed without explanation".
Although children who grow up with authoritarian parents tend to follow rules much of the time, they may develop self-esteem problems. Sometimes children become hostile or aggressive as they may focus more on being angry at their parents for the punishment rather than learning how to make decisions and solve problems.
2. Authoritative Parenting
Like authoritarian parents, those with an authoritative parenting style establish rules and guidelines that their children are expected to follow. However, this parenting style is much more democratic. Authoritative parents are responsive to their children and willing to listen to questions. When children fail to meet the expectations, these parents are more nurturing and forgiving rather than punishing. They also use more positive consequences to reinforce good behaviors and may be more willing than authoritarian parents to use reward systems and praise.
Baumrind suggests that these parents "monitor and impart clear standards for their children’s conduct. They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive. They want their children to be assertive as well as socially responsible, and self-regulated as well as cooperative".
Children raised with authoritative discipline tend to be happy and successful. They are often good at making decisions and evaluating safety risks on their own. They often grow up to be responsible adults who feel comfortable expressing their opinions.
3. Permissive Parenting
Permissive parents don't offer much discipline. They tend to be lenient and may only step in when there is a serious problem. There may be few consequences for misbehavior because parents have an attitude of "kids will be kids."Permissive parents may take on more of a friend role than a parent role. They may encourage their children to talk with them about their problems but may not discourage a lot of bad behaviors.
Kids who grow up with permissive parents tend to struggle academically.They may exhibit more behavioral problems as they will likely not appreciate authority and rules. They often have low self-esteem and may report a lot of sadness.
4. Un-involved Parenting
An uninvolved parenting style is characterized by few demands, low responsiveness, and little communication. While these parents fulfill the child's basic needs, they are generally detached from their child's life. In extreme cases, these parents may even reject or neglect the needs of their children.
Uninvolved parents tend to have little knowledge of what their children are doing. There tends to be few, if any, rules or expectations. Children may not receive any nurturing or guidance and they lack the much need parental attention.
When parents are uninvolved, children tend to lack self-esteem and they perform poorly academically. They also exhibit frequent behavior problems and rank low in happiness.
Understanding the Challenges of Parenting
Raising a child can be difficult for many reasons. Caring for a child, especially an infant or toddler can take up a significant amount of time, and it may be challenging to maintain strong relationships with a spouse or romantic partner, or with friends. Many parents face financial challenges or find it difficult to coordinate schedules and arrange child care. A parent who stays home with a child or children may feel overworked in the home and resent the other parent for working outside the home, which can put strain on a partnership. Parenting is also often physically demanding: some parents with young children spend a significant part of their day cleaning, doing laundry, and performing other household tasks, and many report insufficient sleep.
Parenting may become even more difficult when a child exhibits signs of a behavioral challenge, physical or intellectual disability, or mental or physical illness. It may be especially difficult to cope when a child who requires extensive medical treatment or other extra care is not the only child in the home, and parents may find it difficult to give all children equal amounts of attention. This may lead some parents to experience guilt along with greater levels of stress.
Research has shown when parents are not united, do not communicate well, or otherwise send confusing messages to children, it may be difficult for children to understand what is expected of them. The child may react to this inconsistency with misbehavior, creating further challenges for parents. Thus, expert counselor and other child psychologists or specialists emphasize the importance of presenting a cohesive parenting team.
The Influence and Limitation of Parents
A parent is often the most influential person in a child’s life, even after the child becomes an adult, and children will often look to their parents for guidance on ethical and moral topics as well as the typical concerns of daily life. Because a parent’s behavior, ideas, and beliefs will likely largely influence those of their children, especially in a child’s early years, the biases and prejudices of a parent are often learned by the child.
Children who overhear parents using language that implies a certain group of people is somehow lesser than other groups, making disparaging remarks about other individuals, or giving voice to negative and stigmatizing beliefs about other people may adopt these attitudes as part of their own beliefs. Similarly, parents' religious and political views often become the child’s views, at least until the child is of an age to question belief systems. This may only be concerning when parents strongly encourage a child to support the parents' beliefs and discourage the child from seeking out other ideas, as this can lead a child to develop a limited worldview and be less likely to seek out other viewpoints in adulthood.
A child will typically also learn attitudes of acceptance from parents. When a child is raised in a household that embraces equality and diversity, by parents who do not discount the ideas and viewpoints of others, it is likely the child will grow up to be accepting of all people and experiences.
A parent’s influence can be limited, however. Children may learn new ideas from friends, from the media, and at school. A traumatic event may also impact a child’s development or behavior, and peer pressure can lead a child to develop problematic behavior in spite of a parent’s efforts to keep the child safe. Many parents choose to use their own parents’ style or method of parenting, believing what worked for them will work for their own children. However, each child and family is different, and a particular method of parenting may not work for all children.
Many parents continue to offer support and guidance to children who have reached adulthood, especially in the case of a child who is coping with a chronic or temporary issue. However, some adult children may resent what they see as continued parental influence and refuse assistance. Some children may engage in risky or destructive behavior, and parents may be unable to reach them or be unsuccessful when encouraging them to seek help. This powerlessness is likely to be difficult and distressing for parents, but expert counselor or therapist and other mental health professional can help parents explore ways to cope with these circumstances or reach out to their children, when possible.
Issue related to Single ParentingAs we discuss the issues of parenting and various problems involved, another area we should not overlook is the issue related to single parenting. This is important because the number of single-parent households in India is increasing, and at the same time there are also various problems involved behind it.
Some parents are single by choice, while others may lose a spouse or partner through death or separation. A single parent often experiences increased stress due to an increased amount of parenting responsibility. When a parent suddenly becomes single, children may be traumatized and have difficulty coping with the loss of the other parent, which can often lead to behavioral difficulties. When divorced parents share custody of children, the children may find rules and routines differ from one house to the next, and this inconsistency may be difficult for them to adapt to. Single parents might find it difficult to enforce rules and discipline children without support, and they may also experience the added stress of financial difficulties.
Single parents, especially those with small children in the home, may find it challenging to meet potential romantic partners and go out on dates. This may lead to isolation and loneliness, and conditions such as depression and anxiety may develop, causing further stress. Staying connected with relatives and friends, creating a support system, and making time for self-care as well as child care are all ways that single parents may be able to cope with challenges and reduce stress in their lives. When specific challenges arise, expert counselor or therapist may be able to help an individual address those concerns.
Pastoral counseling/Therapy for Parenting IssuesCounseling and therapy can help parents in various ways. Some parents may become stressed by a particular parenting challenge, be it a one-time event or recurring situation. When a child faces a mental health concern or behavioral issue, a parent may find help for the child but leave their own emotions and feelings unaddressed. This can be harmful in some cases, as stress may accumulate and leave the parent feeling overwhelmed. In therapy, a parent/counselor can address their feelings about a certain issue, find support and guidance, and seek professional help for parenting issues and concerns.
Pastor counselor may help parent to seek out a therapist that specializes in child development or behavioral health concerns or a family therapist to address issues affecting the whole family. Family therapy may be helpful because each member of the family can bring up individual concerns that connect to the family dynamic, and parents can become aware of issues that need to be resolved.
Individual therapy can also be helpful, and some parents may find couples counseling can strengthen their parenting skills, as strengthening their partnership may help couples become better able to resolve disagreements about child-rearing or family life.
When parenting issues lead to stress, this stress may manifest itself through worry, depression, irritability, or anger. Some situations, such as the loss of a child or partner, may lead to grief, depression, or posttraumatic stress. When these conditions go untreated, the well-being of any other children may be affected. Pastoral counseling/Therapy can help address and treat these issues. A therapist or pastor counselor is also likely to encourage parents to make time for them-selves whenever possible and maintain a self-care routine.
Some parents have mental or emotional issues of their own that make parenting particularly challenging. For example, parents with conditions such as depression, bipolar , or schizophrenia may find the normal stresses of parenting difficult to handle without help, and they may worry that the well-being of their children will be negatively impacted as they attempt to cope with their condition. Individual counseling/therapy that reduces the symptoms of an individual’s condition can reduce worry in this area as parents work to achieve wellness.
A parent with anger management or control issues may find pastoral counseling/therapy helpful for developing healthy and safe ways to address and manage thoughts and emotions and thus become better able to communicate with a partner or child.
Suggestion to improve parenting skills;Beside above points, pastor counselor can also give advice to parent to follow the following suggestion to improve their parenting skills;
- Take time to listen When talking to your children, actually listen to what they are saying. This lets your children know that you care about their concerns. And this will better equip you/us to help them. After listening to them and empathizing with their needs and desires, use discretion when giving them guidelines. Be a good role model for your children, and model the principles you want them to learn and display. It's also important to enforce your household rules consistently.
- Exercise sound judgment Good judgment means knowing when it's best to say no to your child. Don't give in to a request that you know aren't safe or reasonable for your child just because you want his approval.
- Set an example Model the behavior you want your kids to exhibit. If you want your children to eat healthier, make sure your diet is balanced. If you want to teach your children to be kind to others, they should see you displaying this behavior.
- Enforce your rules Establish specific rules for your children, and stick with them. If you change the rules too often, your children will get the impression that the rules you set should not be taken seriously.
Studies show that kids who are rebellious didn't have proper rules and structure at home, so setting appropriate ground rules and enforcing them can help to curb this issue. Conversely, parents who are too strict and controlling lead their children to be bored and find them-selves in trouble.
- Praise for their effortAnother effective parenting skill is praising children for their efforts and not for their results or rewards. This teaches a child that he has control over his success. Only praise every so often to avoid teaching a child to only put in effort to get praise.
- Follow through on consequencesAlongside this, an effective parenting technique to address children's poor behavior is to follow through on consequences and avoid using punishment as a teaching tool. The difference between the two is that consequences teach a child that his behavior is his responsibility and that he has to deal with the consequences as a result, whereas punishment teaches a child to fear authority and typically does not teach him personal responsibility.
CHILDLESS FAMILYA childless or childfree family is simply a group of people from all kinds of backgrounds and all walks of life who, for whatever reason, have never had children.
The increase in the childlessness rate, along with the drop in the fertility rate, has led to an increase in the proportion of women living in households without children. At least 20% of women aged 25-49 live in households with no children in European countries. This is partly due to deferment of childbearing and partly due to the increase in complete childlessness. The proportion of women living in childless households is particularly high in Austria, Finland, Germany and Greece, where more than 40% of women aged 25-49 live in childless households. Conversely, it is low in Estonia, Poland, the Slovak Republic and Turkey where less than 30% of women live in childless households.
However, most have thought long and hard about parenthood and many have concluded (for various reasons) that it really was not right for them, while some are still in the decision-making process. Still others will probably have children at sometime in the future, but are not ready just yet (even though all of their other friends are having theirs now and are urging them to catch up), and some wanted to have children but were unable to because of a variety of social and/or biological forces that interfere and result in unplanned childlessness.
Reason for being child-freeAs mentioned above, there can be a number of reasons why couples do not have child/children. For some, the main reasons are;
1. Career derailment: Some feel that having a child interferes with a career for women. Once the baby is born, it is usually the mother who gives up her job (or cuts back) to bring up her child. Therefore many childless families choose not to have children because they concentrate on their careers.
2. Health Issues: Some women or men who have illnesses like autoimmune diseases or other conditions that can be passed on genetically choose not to have a child so that the child will not inherit the illness.
3. Rejection of parenthood: Some people have thought long and hard about parenthood and many have concluded that it really was not right for them (for various reasons).
4. Social or biological force: There are also some people who wanted to have children but were unable to because of a variety of social and/or biological forces that interfere and result in unplanned childlessness. For some, numbers of constant medical appointments, infertility drugs, monitoring ovulation, inseminations or in vitro fertilization (IVF) may be enough to cause them to say, “No.”
5. Another possible cause behind the increased childlessness among highly educated women is their reluctance to take on a partner who is less educated than themselves, especially in Japan and Korea. This leads to lower marriage and partnership rates among highly educated women and can subsequently lead to lower fertility rates and childlessness.
What Are The Challenges a Child-free Couple Faces? The biggest challenge a couple faces in making the choice of childfree living is that they will still be in a world full of people having children and being involved with children. They may visit a park on a Saturday morning and children will be playing baseball. They may hear about school plays their friends or co-workers are attending. They may hear comments such as “Oh you can take that expensive trip because you do not have to send your child through college.” Couples will also face questions about why they choose to be childfree. As time goes by, people will enter their lives who will not know the struggles they endured to have children; the childfree couple may or may not want to explain why they do not have children. Having responses prepared ahead of time will help couples to handle some tough questions.
Besides, there are also other consequences that may affect a childless/free couple, such as;
- Divorce: Childfree couple divorce more often than couples who have at least one child.
- Stress: The absence of children leads to loneliness and weariness.
- Cultural hostility: As concern over declining birth rates mounts, longstanding stereotypes and the accompanying cultural hostilities toward childfree people have emerged.
Pastoral counseling:As many couples have gone through many challenges due to childlessness. One may suggest some helpful tips to be followed;
1. Being a responsible Pastor, a counselor may encourage a couple by making it clear that;
- The pain of not having a child will remain with most people for the rest of their lives, but the intensity of the pain will diminish as years go by.
- There will be periods of sadness, but there will also be periods of relief for having made the right decision. There may be moments where a couple may long to be a parent; however the longing will also diminish.
- The choice to live childfree is a forward-moving path to resolving infertility. Resolve can help couples find support in healing those pangs of hurt that arise over not having children.
2. A pastor counselor can also encourage a couple;
- To consult a marriage counselor: Seeking help from a licensed therapist who is specifically trained in counseling or therapy and experienced in dealing with childlessness.
- To get help from different sources: Seeking the help of nonjudgmental, understanding friends, experienced spiritual leaders or a trained counselor. Since all self-help books are not equally helpful, a pastor counselor may also suggest for seeking advice about additional reading from a professional.
- To seek support: It can help to share your experience and feelings with trusted friends or loved ones who can support, encourage and walk along with you on your healing path.
- Lighting up relationship quality would also be a great help for childless couple.
3. Lastly, a pastor counselor can also help a couple by reflecting some of the teachings of the bible through which a couple may find their spiritual and emotional help or relief.
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